Memories of What was

It's a beautiful night. I'm sitting outside. Alone. Suddenly, my mind is flooded with memories. Memories about Zeidy. He is all that I can think about.

Mostly, I remember his smile. Zeidy's smile was always full of love. I remember Zeidy's playful smile as he would turn the knob on his gum ball machine, adding to the excitement of waiting to see which color would actually come.

A scene flashes in my head. We are sitting around the dining room table in 1617 Shady, Zeidy at the head of the table singing zmiros. I see the pictures and seforim so clear in the background, I feel as if I am actually there.

I see myself sitting with Zeidy in the kitchen as he tells me to be strong and remember the good things, while both of us are crying for times that will no longer be

I feel the tears running down my cheeks on that Shabbos before Purim; the last bracha that I got. I don't know why, but even then, I was sobbing while his hands were on my head. I feel his beard as he kisses me on the cheek, saying, "Good Shabbos" in that warm, loving tone.

I see him sitting at the table during the week, complimenting me on dinner and telling me that I should get married already. I never felt more loved by Zeidy than at that moment.

I see him sitting in Uncle Dovi's house at the last Purim Seuda, at first hesitant, but eventually joyous as the singing gets louder and louder.

I feel his thin shoulders under my arms as I hug him at Yudi and Chaya'le's wedding.

I see him sitting next to Bubby on the couch. Bubby is hooked up to the oxygen, and Zeidy sits down next to her, puts his arm around her, and feeds her some of his grilled cheese sandwich.

And I hear his voice on the phone during the last time I spoke to him, telling me how happy he was and how he was looking forward to everyone coming. He asks me when I am coming and I tell him, in a few weeks Zeidy, when camp is over I will come, and we'll spend time together.

But now, here I am. Camp is over. But I have only the memories to comfort me

Zeidy, I love you so much, and I know you loved me more than I can imagine. I miss you Zeidy.